Thoughts

Another week had almost come to an end and I am feeling troubled. I have never really experienced anything like this - a panicky feeling that time is rushing forward and I can't slow it down. I have been in Japan for over three months now and I can hardly believe it. As I sat in my classroom this afternoon and turned to the last page of my book "Hokkaido Highway Blues" I was overwhelmed by a sense of the fleeting nature of everything. We are constantly propelled forward in a state that exists only as the present moment. It is all we know but we never have time to really grasp it. I feel like life is slipping through my fingers like fine sand. Days and weeks are coming and going and I don't know what it is all for. I have come to no resolutions about anything. I feel settled in an utterly unsettled way. I have no family out here, I share nothing with my host nation with regard to history, language, social customs or attitudes. I feel isolated in the most hospitable way.

Yet I wonder what it is all for. Why is it so important to have experiences? To make one feel alive? I am having the experiences and I feel pretty alive - not as alive as I would if I were actually travelling Japan - residing in one place does not supply the same buzz. I feel like a collector. A collector of memorabilia - literally. I am obsessed with getting the most out of everything, as if at the end of it all, on my death bed, I will be content in the knowledge that I had extracted the very essence of life from every moment and thus could die satisfied. However, this struggle for more and more experience is actually an affliction. I am concerned that my desire for it casts a shadow over my experience of my present reality. I don't feel as if I am able to confront what it is I am a part of - not to the extent that I'd like to anyway.

I am concerned with recording as much as possible in writing and photography, as if by doing so I will preserve it all. Then at some point in the future, when I have time, I will be able to fully appreciate it. It is a depressing fact that everything is gone sooner or later. Everything comes to an end. Everything. As ephemeral as the life of a may-fly. You find yourself on a plane, full of anticipation, a long journey ahead, adventures are guaranteed, news sights are a certainty. It is the glorious feeling that grips the traveller. But as soon as a traveller stops he ceases to exist. In no time at all the adventures have been had and remain, at best, a few lines in a journal, or as a millisecond here or there imprinted onto film. The sights are now familiar, and have begun to decompose into fragmented memories.

It is my own mortality and impermanence that I believe I am having trouble coming to terms with. If only I could pause life when I wanted to and rewind months or years and relive past experiences. How many people have thought this very same thing I wonder? I am sure everyone has at some point. But why my concern with holding onto my personal history? I suppose because it is everything I am. If I lost my long term memory I would indeed have gained a zen like state in which to fully experience the present moment, but really I would be nothing - no one. The present moment would have very little significance if it were not for our pasts that trail behind us like vapour trails in a blue sky, right to the moment we were born. To deny ourselves our pasts is to cast aside all the many selves we have been and thus who we are now. We are simply the sum of our experiences....

The Japanese work-ethic

Given the fact that I am a split teacher I have two managers (Mg1 and Mg2) - one at each school I work at, so getting the green light for taking time off can be made doubly difficult - as I was soon to discover. The eight day fight began on Saturday the 26th August. Manager 1 agreed to let me take a week off work in October, because my parents are visiting and we are planning a trip to Kyoto. After booking the holiday on the computer, as is required, I made my way to Musashi-Koganei school to teach the afternoon shift. As soon as I came through the door Mg 2 approached me shaking her head:

"No, I sorry, it's no good."

"What is no good?" I said.

"Your holiday, it's no good. You can't take then."

"What do you mean? I have just booked it. Mg 1 said it was fine. What is the problem?"

"You no understand. You can't take two Saturdays off, Yoriaki San has already booked you for a private lesson on Saturday."

I pointed out that he only comes twice a month and he is a very nice man and I was sure he wouldn't mind coming on a different Saturday if I explained the situation to him.

"But it not just that. It intensive week and only day for kids to do make-up classes with you."

"But that is at Toyoda school and the Toyoda manager said it was ok."

"But she don't know, she is new. The teachers before you took a lot of holidays and the school is closed one Saturday in September so the kids have missed many classes."

I was beginning to feel rather angry, but I tried to remain calm and polite, in the hope that I could reason with her without upsetting the 'Wa' too much.

"OK, well I understand your point, but I really don't see how that is my fault. I am entitled to my holiday and after this, I will not have any more holidays. I will work the rest of my contract without any time off, and the kids will get there lessons made up at some point in the future. The parents will understand - I will talk to them all personally and explain that my Mum and Dad are coming to Japan. Surely they wont consider this unreasonable?"

"No, no, no. It's no good" she replied.

"Look, why don't you let me talk to Mg 1 and see what she thinks about the kids classes. Maybe we can sort something out?"

That bought an end to the conversation. This was just day one.

I considered requesting a different day off so called my mother to talk about our options. She was disappointed as they were already in the process of making reservations for a Ryokan in Kyoto on Saturday night. I also felt that if for no other reason but the simple principle of the matter, I should continue to insist on having what I wanted. So, the weekend came and went and it was back to work at Toyoda on Tuesday.

"Morning Mg! How was your weekend? So I spoke to Mg 2 on Saturday and she feels there is a problem with me taking that Saturday off, what do you think? I mean you said it was OK and we booked it. So why is there a problem now?"

"Er, yeah. It is the kid classes. Make-up week. I don't think you can take holiday at that time."

The red mist was rising but I didn't want to get into an argument first thing in the morning so I said we would talk about it later. That afternoon I discussed the matter with my co-worker who has worked at the school for a number of years so knows the system backwards. He just smiled and said "you will get want you want, but they wont be happy about it. They can't stop you. You may get a call from head office and they will try and talk you out of it, but stick to your guns. I have had the same problem. I took three weeks off at Christmas last year and they were up in arms abut it - I had to point out that I hadn't taken a single day off for a year. Even then they were reluctant and I got a call from the area leader. The Japanese don't really take holidays. Managers are actually jealous of us because the company makes them feel so guilty about taking time off they never request it. The JET here has five years worth of accumulated holidays that she will probably never take. In Japan, taking time off is seen as a major inconvenience and employees are perceived to be disloyal."

I was astounded. The managers at my school work 12 hours per day, 6 days a week and get paid less than I do. The Japanese English teachers have a different kind of contract to Native English teachers - they are 'full time' employees. This means they have to work the last Monday of every month effectively unpaid. I asked our JET why she worked when she was not paid.

"Why don't you refuse? Why don't you kick up a fuss?!"

"I know, I know" she said and laughed. "But it's the Japanese way."

The Japanese way? To me it sounded like exploitation. My co-worker assured me that there was really no legitimate reason for me not to the take time off that I wanted so I decided to stand my ground and fight it out as nicely and as respectfully as possible. I talked to Mg 1 again that evening and explained my reasoning as best I could but her English is rather poor. The reason she had changed her mind was because Mg 2 had convinced her it was a problem. However I did sympathise with the tricky position she was in. If she did anything 'wrong' head office would be on at her, any complaints from students would have to be dealt with by her and she also had the other manager to contend with. She had to do her job, so I told her not to worry and that I would talk again with Mg 2 about it.

Wednesday. I didn't mention anything about the holiday. It was Mg 2 who brought it up. "Let's have lunch together" she said. I knew what this meant. So accepted her kind invitation with a smile and we talked for a while about this and that and it was very pleasant. Then the inevitable: "So when are your parents coming?" I will not recount the whole conversation because I would be repeating myself; which is exactly what she did for 45 minutes until she then announced that she didn't want to talk abut it anymore and walked out of the classroom. I had been so restrained. I had bitten my tongue, I was calm and logical. I didn't raise my voice once. Everything I said was followed by "Yes I know, but.... You don't understand...." I understood perfectly well. She had not arranged a lunch meeting so that we could discuss the issue, she had arranged a meeting to pressure and guilt trip me into backing down. She sat down with her answer set in stone: "no, no, no." There were new problems now too - "there might be new students starting in October. The students didn't care about me or my parents, they just wanted what they had paid for. She would have to deal with all the complaints." This was all emotional manipulation and I was sick of it. I let her walk out and left it at that. I don't know if I have ever felt more frustrated or angry. It was like a bad dream. I was being perfectly reasonable and all this fuss was over ONE DAY off. It was utterly absurd. What made it worse was the fact that it was far from being resolved.

Thursday. I continued to discuss it with co-worker. I was not sure about what the next step was. Had Mg 2 actually backed down by saying she didn't want to talk about it? No. "If that is what she said then that means she is very angry" I was informed. Blimey, if she was angry, I was livid. So what next? I talked again to Mg 1 and told her what had happened with the other manager. "I am sorry Jenny but I have to say no" was all she said. That evening as I was waiting for the train to Tachikawa with J (we were on our way to an izakaya for a much needed drink) and I got an email to my phone from the JET at Musashi-Koganei school: "Hi Jenny I hope you are ok. Mg didn't mean to upset you but it was pretty tough on her too. It is just cultural differences. No one is trying to stop you from taking a holiday. I think we should sit down and talk about this tomorrow afternoon if that is ok with you. Have a nice evening, see you tomorrow."

I didn't know whether to throw the phone onto the train tracks or burst into tears. "Cultural differences?! Really. That was the problem wasn't it? I didn't understand 'the Japanese way'. It was my lack of cultural understanding that misled me into thinking that my taking some time off was a problem. And why do we have to have another meeting? I am sick of pretending to discuss it! They are just trying to wear me down." I was stunned. I ranted to poor J all the way to Tachikawa. "Cultural differences? Why don't they make an effort to understand our way of doing things? It is a company who employs and RELYS on Westerners for success - how about a little respect for our ways of doing things? Why do we have to bend over backwards for them? Why is it our lack of awareness which is to blame?" I was experiencing a major dose of culture stress but once at the izakaya the subject was dropped and I managed to have a jovial few hours of drinking before the impending hell of Friday.

The 'negotiations' went ahead as planned that Friday afternoon with the Japanese teacher and the manager. They made me very, very angry. I couldn't even look at them, but I did my best to contain it because I knew that expressing it would not help the situation. I told them that I respected their culture and their way of doing things but I didn't understand it and that was that. I told them that I would talk to the students and if they complained I would be very surprised. I also said that if they did complain, the manager could gently remind them of the fact that my parents had flown all the way from England to see me. That I would not be having any more time off after this. That there have been many occasions that I have allowed classes to run on later. That they would not miss out on any lessons because they would get their make-ups in the future. "Well so long as you're happy to be responsible for this. They wont be pleased. The students are here for English lessons, they don't care about you."

I begged to differ. I cared about my students and I genuinely feel that in most cases it is reciprocated. I have had students bring in pictures of their families, discuss their jobs and their problems. I have been to numerous parties with them and they have expressed sincere concern about my welfare and positive experience of life in Japan. Sure, they are paying for a service and I am not actually viewed as their friend, but teaching is about human interaction. They can learn English from a book at home if they want, but surely part of the reason they come to a conversation school is because they want real human communication, and that involves accommodating other people's needs and interests.

On Saturday the whole sorry business was effectively resolved by my area leader. He is actually a very nice guy and was actually the first person I met when I got to Japan. He was waiting for me at the airport when I arrived jet-lagged and nervous. He also sorted out my new apartment for me - and here he was helping me out once again. I was very grateful. "Don't worry Jenny I will send in a sub so that the students don't miss the classes on the Saturday in question. That will keep the managers happy." So that was that - why we couldn't have had this conversation a week before is beyond me.

That afternoon I decided to attempt to restore the wa. I had got what I wanted so had nothing much to lose except a little pride, but I figured it was worth it. I didn't actually blame Mg 2 personally, she was just doing what she felt was expected of her. She was doing her job. So I stopped by the florist on my way to school and bought a big bunch of colourful looking flowers to give to her. I hoped that this would ease any hard feelings that had surfaced over the week. Unfortunately I was yet to make one final faux pas.... As I handed her the bouquet, she started to laugh awkwardly; "Ah thank you, but these flowers are for dead people!"

No, life in Japan is never straight forward. Luckily, she came to see the funny side of it though and it provided me with an embarrassing, yet humorous, ending for my blog entry.

Life studies

*This was a post from a few weeks ago that I have edited. I will now have to knuckle down and catch up with what I have been up to since, so watch this space!*

The week has been a stressful one and as a result I have been examining my options for the future with renewed fervor. Every week or so I get into a panic about what I am supposed to be doing with my life and attempt to analyze what my priorities are. Do I value money more than freedom? If I was to do an MA could I justify the financial expense of it? What would I study? Something I really love or something that would bring me closer to getting a well paid and respected career in - I don`t know what. Who and what am I supposed to be? Should I work on being a travel writer or a lawyer, a painter, a philosopher or a professional poker player? I don't know what it is I am supposed to be pursuing, but there is one thing I feel determined to achieve and that is success. I am just not sure in what form that success will manifest itself in, or quite how I will attain it.

Anyway, today I gleaned an unintentional snippet of career/life advice. I was teaching a 45 minute class using 'useful verbs' to talk about university and taking gap years. My students were two middle aged business men. It proved to be am enlightening lesson for me in more ways than one. Working in a conversation school actually means that now and again one can have genuinely interesting discussions with students - provided their English is at a reasonable level. Unsurprisingly I learned that taking a gap year is not an option that is considered, or even really offered to students in Japan. They have about three weeks off between finishing high-school at 18 and starting university. So the suits were intrigued and somewhat shocked to discover that in England it is very common to take a gap year. We debated the pros and cons and agreed that it was a good thing, but they assured me it would never catch on in Japan. Of course they asked me whether or not I had taken a year out, to which I replied "Yes, I did a five week trip around Europe by train on my own, and then moved to Italy and worked in a bar for 6 months." "Really?!" they both exclaimed, and burst out laughing. The thought that I had worked in a bar, in Italy of all places, had them in stitches. Although I laughed along with them, I did begin to wonder what was so funny.

Anyway, I turned it around and asked them what they would do if they had they opportunity to take a year off work. "What are your dreams?" I asked. I sat there looking engaged and eager, and awaited their response. It was now 5:50 and my face had started to ache from all the smiling. After a good 49 seconds of contemplation, Mr Shinozaki turned to me grinning and said with careful consideration "I want experiences. I have worked in the same job for fifteen years. I would like discover life as a waiter, a taxi driver, a teacher and a farmer."

For some reason this stuck in my mind. I mean, here was someone who had established a career, had security, money and a wife and lived in a society in which these things are very highly regarded. However, he dreamt of a life of freedom, of variation, of experience. I suddenly realised that that was the life I had. The reason they laughed so much at the thought of me working in a bar (yes, making cocktails and serving beer until 3 am!!) was that it seemed so unbelievable. I was a teacher, so surely I had always been a teacher. (Of course I am making an assumption here, but I sense that this was their opinion.) Anyway, then came Taka's predictably slow and convoluted response.

"Ha ha! Er, nan de.... dat er dat er...." (Pause) "Er, I wanted, dat er, nan des ka... er .... vessel. I wanted vessel to, nan de ta, nan de, sailing around world. Er..." Pause. Long pause. Very Long pause. He searches for words. "Nan de... I want working on vessel." "Really? You want to work on a ship?" I said, hoping he would note the correction and smiled encouragingly. He laughed and repeated the phrase and I nodded approvingly hoping he would continue. He has the language, it's just that he is so slow: "Er, nan des ka.... nnn, I could, er would, would washing floor, da ta, nnn, nan de, and cooking, and see the new place, n ha ha, nan de....." It went on like that for a good ten minutes. I didn't want to cut him off because he was trying so hard and as a result my lesson finished late.

So it turns out that they dream of scrubbing the decks of a cargo vessels and serving food in an izakaya or working the land. I suggested a career change to both of them - "Take a chance! Do something different! Masa, you are always complaining about your job - just quit and become a taxi driver!" They both laughed uproariously, for this was surely the most ludicrous thing they had ever heard in their life. For me, it was one of the greatest insights I have had into life and the choices people make. There are those who pursue their ambitions and there are those who dismiss them as far-fetched dreams. Even if those dreams simply are to experience life as a taxi driver....